Enthusiastic Consensual Sex and Romancelandia

 It's really is as simple as this.

Consensual sex is a strange conversation with fellow romance authors. Individually, they have much to say. In a group...they're a tad quiet. No one wants to stomp on someone else's toes.

See, romance novels have a history of heroes who are rapey. And stalkery. So it's a touchy subject to talk about consent.

Or is it? This Tea Consent video makes consent very easy to understand and recognize. You can't force tea on an unconscious person. They could drown. It's not nice to coerce a person into tea--to guilt them into it by saying, "Yeah, but earlier you said we could have tea, and I really got excited to have tea with you. So now you're making me feel bad by not having tea with me. It would be great if you made me feel better by having tea with me. Now."

So consent itself might be easy to recognize and understand. But talking about it is another thing.

That's why I made the conscious decision to write enthusiastic consensual sex scenes. For me, romance is so much more than romance. It's about power--the power we give, the power we take, the power we share as romantic partners.

What say you about consensual sex in regards to romance books?

I loved this article from Buzzfeed Who Gets A Happily Ever After In 2018? https://www.buzzfeed.com/jaimegreen/who-gets-a-happily-ever-after-in-2018-romance-novels?utm_term=.hyJR3N5Oo

That said--and I'm going to sound so angsty and whiny probably--some of us have been hating the alpha hero for decades. Some of us have boycotted him for years, refusing to spend a dime even if the writing is phenomenal. And some of us, long before 2016, have been writing a different kind of alpha hero.

One of my critique partners calls my heroes a "true alpha" hero. He doesn't have to prove himself by being hyper-masculine. He's not insecure that way.

So I welcome all the other romance writers who want to write about a true alpha hero! Glad you made it!

The Sexism of Beta and Alpha Heroes

So I've been noticing a trend. On a romantic writer forum I'm on, whenever the subject of #metoo or sexual harassment or sexual assault comes up, the subject is taken over by women sympathizing with men. Once the topic was taken over by a romance writer complaining how other romance writers objectify male cover models. And another time many romance writers talked about how their husbands were now scared to go to work because they worry about sexual harassment charges. 

To be perfectly honest, as the recipient of sexual harassment on an academic level to the point where six long years of work and my future was taken away from me by one man, I was a little floored that the conversation ALWAYS kept going back to how bad men have it. Well, floored and wondering where the sympathy was for the women, the majority of sexual harassment/sexual assault victims, was.

So, okay, yes, I'm here to point out one more sexism that romance Author's are overlooking: beta/alpha heroes. 

Sure, sure, in all writing we have seen some of the characters enough we call them names--Mary Sue, Bad Boy, etc. But calling male characters either betas or alphas is sexist, pure and simple. We wouldn't stand for a male writer to call female characters alpha or not. Oh, and most romance authors when talking about beta males versus alpha males seem to be referring to a weird 1970s and outdated anthropologist take of wolves. Or maybe they're talking about those desert baboons who do seem to have rather rapey male alpha leaders. I'm not sure, and whenever I've asked romance authors to specify, there's a strange silence with looks like I should know better than to even ask. 

So I'm not 100% sure what romance authors mean when they're talking about alphas versus betas, but from what I've heard it's incredibly sexist. Some label a beta hero as any male character who can express himself without fists or anger. Some label a beta hero as any male character who respects a woman to NOT to be sexually harassed and/or assaulted. In other words, sadly, some label a beta hero as a normal nice guy. 

I've read enough of the history of romance to know that the rapey, alphahole hero has been around for a long time. When I started reading romance, admittedly only a decade ago, it took more than five years to find a rapey, alphahole hero. Five years of reading about blissful relationships where a couple thought of each other as equals. Yes, I probably lucked out. But my point is that several romance books feature just men. Sometimes, really nice men too. 

(As an aside, many romance lovers have taken to reading queer romance because there is less of a prevalence of the alpha male in gay romance books. And, honestly, I adore queer romance books and (knock on wood) have not found one alpha male so far.) 

Anyway, in an age when justice, true justice, is (hopefully) around the corner, and men are reckoning about their behavior and treatment of women, isn't it time to reexamine the label of alpha versus beta? Isn’t it time we romance authors call out our own sexism? 

Lastly, in a Brene Brown book or lecture--sorry! I can't remember which--she was pulled aside by a

man who had an urgent question for her: When was she going to cover men and men's shame? And this part stuck with me when he told her he needed help not only for himself but for his wife and daughter because sometimes he just wanted to step down from the damned white horse and just be. So that's what I write. And that's what I've always written. Men who don't have to worry about their masculinity if they want to get off that damned white horse of theirs and just be real and authentic. 

So my other question for romance authors is this: besides examining the sexism in labeling men alpha or betas, can you please allow a male character to just be a human being? That's all women want. Why can't we let our fellas?  

Does a Feminist Romance Novel Need to be Structured Differently?

Plotting. And not the kind that takes over the world. Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!

I'm what some call a pantser, an organic writer, the writer who pulls things from the air. Whatever people want to call it, I usually have a story in my mind that I cannot articulate well until I put it on paper, er, the screen. I see scenes, usually in order, and write them down.

However, there's a lot to be said about plotting. I love plotting! I just can't stick to it all the time. My characters will sometimes convince me to write a different plot line or finally tells me something more about themselves that could change the theme of the book. Silly characters. :)

I have been in love with Jami Gold's blog/website FOR-EFFING-EVER! She has a series of FREE beat sheets to help with plotting, as well as many articles regarding plotting for people like me--pantsers or whatever. (I know I sound like a teenager, adding that whatever, but on a writer's forum there was an author who took offense to the word pantser. I mean no offense, and honestly, as you can see from above, I do have the plot in my head, but I just don't have it out on an outline. And pantser is a term most others use. Still, I'm open to other terms and, again, I don't mean any offense. Sorry!)

Anyway, as you can tell from the above paragraph, yes, plotting a feminist romance is no different from plotting any other kind of romance. It's commercial fiction and there are a few requirements of the genre, like a Happily Ever After = HEA, or Happy For Now = HFN ending, as well as other plot points.

I love writing a HEA, which for me does not necessarily mean marriage, but it's understood the couple will be happy together. And that means, for a feminist, I won't work with certain tropes. (Tropes aren't a bad word. As it's said in the bible, there's nothing new under the sun, and trope just means there are certain plot lines that have been repeated enough we have definitions for them.) I won't have a hero (or heroine, for that matter) stalk his/her love interest. I won't have a hero (or heroine, for that matter) rape his/her love interest. I also won't write of a hero or heroine emotionally abusing anyone. Being a feminist means I believe in equality, so I write about the happiness a couple can have when they find equality and love.

For the next few blog posts, I'll break down plotting and what it means for a feminist. We have the HEA defined above, but what does the HEA mean to you? What tropes do you avoid writing/reading?

Treating Women Like Children

I'm not sure why spanking is in so many romance books. Of the books I've read, none feature a woman asking to be spanked. If that's what she's into, then fine by me. But the books I've read and never finished, usually feature a male character "teaching" or "punishing" a woman. So, then where are all the books where women "teach" or "punish" the men? Just curious.

I really wasn't going to start this article talking about spanking, but spanking is the biggest display of a man treating a woman like a child. Why on earth would an adult want to do this to another adult to "punish" them is beyond me. Like I already mentioned, if this is your kink, then so be it. But I'm talking about punishment, as if it's acceptable for a man (who is an adult) to punish another adult. Even judges call their work sentencing. Punishing is no longer acceptable language in most civilized society, but it is in many a romance book for a man to do to a woman.

But that's not even what gets me the angriest. It's the little things. Devil's in the details, they say, and I'd agree. It's the seemingly sweet book where the hero orders the heroine to do something, usually "for her own safety." Because she's an idiot or a child who doesn't know how to keep herself safe? Why would a man order a woman around in the first place? Does he think her mentally unstable? And if so, is ordering her about really the best way to approach a mentally unstable person?

Ordering a heroine about is insidious and ubiquitous and, honestly, sad. It makes me so sad when I read a well-written book and find the hero treating the heroine like she's a child, complete with ordering her about, shaking a finger at her, acting sternly. I love well-written books! But I can't read that. It makes me too sad, where I'd think of the hero and heroine getting a divorce later down the years when she finally realizes she doesn't have to be treated like a child. Yes, sad.

What are some of your pet peeves regarding heroes treating heroines like a child? 

What the H/h?

Actually, I'm not asking what the hell in my subject title. I'm asking what the hell is up with authors and readers of romance calling the hero and heroine the Big H and the Little h? What's up with that?

Okay, confession time: I've only been reading romance books for about a decade. So there was a lot about it I didn't know before I even started writing it--like rapey heroes, for one. When I ran into fellow writers calling the hero an H and the heroine an h, I was taken aback, I have to admit. What's so important for the hero to get capitalized? And why can't it be the other way around?

Oh, but it can't, I was informed, like I was a silly, silly child who had asked why the sky was blue.

But I can. It's my freaking book and my freaking characters. So I call my heroes and heroines protagonists, because they are equal in my books. No one gets capitalized. No one gets reduced down to one letter. No way!

I know it's a small thing--calling the hero and heroine protagonists, but feminism is often about the small things, like being equal in the eyes of society. Oh, wait. That's not so small after all. 😉

What is a Feminist Romance?

This is my brand. As a writer, even before I was schooled how to properly self-edit, I was taught to find my brand. Brand is big. It's me. It's me trying to entice readers to buy me and my books. But what I hadn't put anywhere on my brand is the fact that I'm a feminist. I'd asked a marketer about this word and my brand, and after she'd made a strange face--like I was talking about giving newborns to rabid dogs--I decided not to put the word on my brand.

I never thought much more about it after that talk and look from the marketer. I wasn't sure if it mattered. But, now, after a dearth of reading feminist romance books, after feeling a tad alone and isolated, I'm rethinking that word feminism, specifically what it means to be a feminist romance writer.

Jackie C. Horne has a perfect definition of what it means: • A central love story in

which the characters and/or the author demonstrates a commitment to the political, social, and/or economic equality of the sexes. The main plot centers around individuals falling in love and struggling to make their relationship work in a patriarchal society. A writer can include as many subplots as he/she wants as long as the love story is the main focus of the novel.

• An emotional satisfying and optimistic ending. In a romance, the lovers

who risk and struggle for each other and their relationship are rewarded with social, political, or economic, as well as emotional justice and unconditional love 

Equality of the sexes...falling in love and struggling to make their relationship work in a patriarchal society...optimistic ending...rewarded with social, political, or economic, as well as emotional justice and unconditional love. Wow! That's spot-on! I love this definition and this is what I strive for in every book I write. And what I look for in the books I read.

So this blog will be about my quest to achieve this definition with every book I write. You'll learn a little of the writer's process, specifically the feminist romance writer. You'll learn about the books I like. You'll probably hear an ear-full about the things I'm not fond of within the romance genre, but I'll never badmouth another writer. And I won't allow any commenters to badmouth other writers either. We can dislike, maybe even hate, different tropes, but never the writers.

This is my blog and journey...